HOW TO BE A FRIEND (1st Edition)

 

Relationships have changed – yes, we work more and telecommute more. In our strange world we either read the news or hear of a friend or family member that is going through a crisis. Where was I? How did all this happen? When did it begin?

You basically didn’t see it coming. You somehow missed the signs of that nervous breakdown, that eviction, illness, the divorce or the suicide. Perhaps the below tips can help you spot the signs, intervene and be a good friend.

Is there someone you haven’t heard from recently, notice someone doesn’t socialize like they used to?

 

 

 

Well that’s easy. But is it? It doesn’t seem to happen very often. Call and say hello, how are you? Call simply for that reason. It can open the door for sharing things happening in that person’s life. Try to be consistent if you can because it takes time for even your friends and family to open up.

I had a friend once who was in and out of my life. I would open up and unveil something and not hear from her again for a month or so. Each time we spoke I was giving her a “speed date” friendship breakdown of what happened since she “disappeared/got busy” until I eventually shut down

“Hey, how are you doing?”

“I’m great!”

“That’s nice… yea, me too”

“I’m so happy to hear of xyz”

Surface surface chatter.

No, I will not share with you that my Husband had an affair. It’s an open wound and unless you have peroxide and that purple ointment, you’re not welcomed in. I will not tell you about my illness or that miscarriage or even about my thoughts of suicide. Because those are heavy topics and not check lists to read out loud. No hit and runs please!

Essentially, be consistent in your friendship. That friend above and I are now good friends. And I will be the friend that will show up at her door, if travels permit, drag her out of bed into the shower and turn the faucet on LOL. I will call her Mom or Dad and ask for her. I do what I can so she doesn’t sink into any dark space and she does the same for me.

 

VISIT THEM / INVITE THEM OVER

Deeper conversations develop face to face. Some people are too shy to open up on the phone. And boy … there is a joy with your physical presence! It lets them know they mean a lot and that you care for them.

When you visit, you’ll also see their living conditions … just use your imagination here, no need for an example.

But if you’re still wondering – you may notice that their fridge is empty, that their place is in a state (untidy, dirty), that they are in a state (haven’t showered in days). You might notice cuts and bruises. You get to see into their eyes because that protective layer of the phone is no longer there so you may actually see some physical pain.

Notice they speak differently? Hands or other body part shake a bit? Are they erratic and get upset over simple things or seem fazed or zoned out? Don’t distance yourself and become background chatter (*cough, I meant gossip) about them. Since you are their friend, YOU are the only one who will realize certain changes and your quick intervention may unveil bipolar, depression, schizophrenia or substance abuse.

This seems like whoooa dramatic? No, these are the realities of life at any age and you mainly see them in person.

 

This truly can take some time for people to develop. Some of us are oblivious even when a friend’s struggle is glaring with neon lights screaming “HELP ME!”. With this in mind, I’ve been trying to forgive and forgive my absent minded friends.

Don’t ask your friend that just had a baby to call you if she needs help. Just don’t! Her mind is too crowded to think of how you can help. Don’t give her more mental work than she already has. Simply show up ready to help her clean or cook. While you cook a meal, she can take that well-needed nap.

Notice a friend has called a few times and you haven’t returned their call? Are they constantly asking you out to do something but you have been unavailable for a while? Turn on the “hmmm, I think something might be up” radar and act. You know your schedule and what you’re capable of doing, so based on your situation you will definitely know how to get in the friend seat of that car called friendship.

It’s possible that they’re hinting at something else based on their actions and words. If your friend says they can’t do something that you may consider very basic or that you used to do, that may be telling. E.g, not having bus fare, buying groceries with just $15, not going to the barber, can’t eat certain foods, saying there’s no point to life…. These are all signs. But more on this in the 2^nd Edition.

I once had two friends that basically would say good luck with that struggle. Something about my struggle made them uncomfortable and it disrupted their pretty awesome and normal life. I felt silenced and shut down because they didn’t want to hear, farless be WITH me in that struggle.

You’re not asked to be a psychologist or a psychic here. You will know what’s not in the ordinary with your friend if you do know them.

 

“A FRIEND WILL ALWAYS BE A FRIEND DESPITE TIME AND DISTANCE…”

And it comes to the social media memes … “A real friend is someone you haven’t spoken to in months and it’s like nothing has changed”

Bullshit. Yes, I said it. #Bullshit.

That’s a cute thing our world constantly says and while you’ll “can” speak cool on the phone or possibly laugh, you are NOT actually there in time of need. Perhaps they had to deal with the death of someone and you weren’t there to comfort them. It could very well be that 2 months after that they’re in a better place so it seems like all was well. But guess what? They’ll grow accustomed to you not being available so they won’t bother to call or write and when they do connect they’ll not share certain things. It becomes a surface friendship and that’s what Facebook is for. If that’s what you want, you can go there to like their Graduation photo or write R.I.P, my condolences about their loss. But you’re a friend right? 🙂

So let’s switch it up a bit “A true Wife/Husband is one you haven’t spoken to in months and it’s like nothing has changed.” Friends and romantic relationships are still relationships. It takes engagement to keep them going.

 

ENGAGE. ENGAGE. ENGAGE.

You will never know what’s happening in your friend’s life unless you engage and have a genuine relationship with them. No one updates his or her life with you in a checklist.

You’re not forced to be a friend to all people you know. So this is not to show how to be a friend to all. There are friends, acquaintances, associates, colleagues etc. But if you WANT to be a friend and if you both have established a friendship, an alive and engaged friendship can help a person survive, thrive and triumph.