I Am

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I Am

As I e-pen this entry, I find myself in a situation that is not ideal. One of those pickles where one feels vulnerable, raw and open. And where you choke up a little when talking about it or eyes sparkle with tears like mine did today. I know I can pick up the phone and call my friends and lament about the situation. It will be a classic doorway into ‘I’m so sorry to hear that’, ‘that sucks’, ‘I can’t believe they’, ‘that’s so fucked up’, ‘I don’t even know what to say’, ‘I can’t or can only imagine how you feel’. The past few months can be classed in this vein actually.  

At the end of the day, those conversations end with either me (to self) or the friend on the other line asking one lingering question, ‘so what are you gonna do?’ 

So, what am I gonna do? Well, rather than put myself through a re-run of scene 2 take 8 and feeling angry and sad at the same time, I have decided to make a choice. 

Each situation calls for only one response – presence. I would also say hope, but presence does not need hope. I have to choose either despair or determination. The how actually doesn’t even matter. The fact that I know I have a clear choice is power which wheels me halfway to determination. 

You see, I have been here so so so many times. I attribute it to being born with  a set of circumstances and setting out to change those circumstances. Maybe growing pains? But, I have been at these crossroads enough times to know that despair doesn’t work because I was always left with ‘what are you going to do?’. Despair took me further away from even attaining what I wanted and therefore despair is not what I want. So whatever vibration, magic, frequency, power, divinity that I need to summon to choose determination, I let it flow. It is the only way. 

The feeling of being persistent and intently focussed on one thing with all my energies like an obsession is what’s needed. This way, there is no room for pity, self-loathing, self-poisonous anger, resentment or even pointing fingers. Taking the style from a Caribbean politician in which her senior later followed “Pity. does. not. live. here!” End of story. 

There are never times when those ‘you won’t believe what happened’ talks with friends are necessary. Never. There are only times when you feel so weak and broken in the exact moment that you don’t even think and therefore think that those types of conversations are necessary. They are not necessary but we may think so and we may feel pampered and hugged by them.

I said that I have been at this place before but what I failed to say was what practice has made me realise the choice: the fact that I become what I think about, that my thoughts are things, that I am an alchemist, that I am vibration, that I am the universe, that I am the light of this universe, that the universe conspires in my favour, that my feeling changes every atom particle of this physical space, that I can move mountains, that as I say so shall it be, that as I say so it is, that I am mind over matter, that nothing can touch me, that I am love and the effects of only love, that the key is within me, that my wish is my command, that my words are powerful because they come from me, that I am creator, that I am source, that I am energy, that I am now.

And just like that, I am smiling with tears and a firm knowing that my prayers have been answered and that the GPS of my being and of this world has recalibrated to prepare a table before me. And like an undisturbed stoic, with forgiveness and the knowing of who I am, I can now sit and and eat and drink and smile and talk with those who I thought have wronged me. And I have witnessed the light air and the love from doing that one act – changing my mind, choosing determination, remembering who I am. This is peace.

I hope you transitioned with me just now and even saw a glimpse of who you are. May you continue to be richly blessed and at peace, it is your birth right. 

P.S – This might be the most esoteric thing I’ve written and I do try to avoid this kind of sharing but I wanted to open my heart and just be. I literally took my computer and started typing as a way out of despair and I felt the bursting power from within me flowing outward and I was just in tears. If you want to talk more about what I’ve shared, feel free to reach out.

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