From Atheism to a Woman of Faith

 

This is a story I’ve long wanted to share. My spiritual walk, failure, pain, revival and becoming.

I remember it like yesterday. My hair was tugged in all directions while tears poured. “Shut up!” All the way through the door on that very Sunday I was cursed to Church. I hated it. Sunday school was fun but I dreamed of the day when I choose rather than be forced to Church. I dreamed of the day when I was old enough to never attend. It’s for your own good they say. But what kind of loving God would put me through so much pain to hear his word. I thought this God must’ve been a dictator. I wanted freedom.

We attended Church a few times when I moved to NY but the music and lifestyle of the 90s got me. In the 8th grade I wanted to be Foxy Brown and wore the glued in 1B weave with black lip liner as lipstick to show it. Besides my spiritual distractions, I disliked Church folks. I saw enough pretense as a twelve year old to decide I’ll write them off.

I’ve had so many trials in life that I started to doubt the existence of God. Strangely, throughout my teens, whenever I was faced with an obstacle I cried out to God. I rebuked such outcries which I saw as weakness. I reasoned, well it’s only obvious why I run to God, it’s what was shoved down my throat so it’s like a Mother tongue.

It was my Lucian neighbour in Brooklyn that reintroduced me to God. I started attending youth events and at 15, I was baptised. I was living off of hope and had a strong desire for love. I was like a kid that believed in Santa Clause. I really really tried to and did believe but once again the actions and attitudes of Church folks struck me. I recall asking a Deacon about the woman’s role in the Bible and he said women are to submit. He essentially told me it is what it is, sorry Sis. Wrong thing to say to a young black feminist.  At my Church, women were not allowed to wear pants. I often feared that a Church member would see me on my way to school where I wore pants. We also were required to cover our heads in Church. On my final Friday before heading off to Mount Holyoke College, I wore blue jeans and a t-shirt out of defiance. I was making a statement. I was a proud feminist on her way to a prestigious Women’s College/University.

God wasn’t considered from then on. I was a scholar, an arrogant philosopher and now an atheist.

Then it happened.  One of my dreams, a dream fulfilled that certified my talents and intelligence in many ways, was ripped away from me. I had to leave my prided Mount Holyoke. A big slap to my ego. The path of destruction began. The emotional breakdowns, the past I struggled with came facing me like a hurricane. I was in a dark lonely depressed place and my poetry reflected my misery. I was suicidal and wished I would just die. I preferred to be hit by a stray bullet because I realised I just wasn’t destructive enough to inflict that level of pain upon myself.

 

Fast forward. I was lofty in my words and debated for hours with my now University peers about God’s existence. They can tell you how persistent I was. Many times they had no answer to my questions and I walked away in pride. They would give up but always tried again.

After age 24 I went back and forth like a pendulum. I had deep seated questions and frustrations that no one could solve. Strange enough again, when I was in pain I cried out.

How could I forget the nightly spiritual visits I had. These weren’t good spirits. This was not sleep paralysis. This was a nightmare. One that while it freaked me out in the nights, I shrugged it off when I woke. This happened for years until I started to accept it. I was spiritually curious and my entry into that realm was almost smooth given the music I was embracing. I remember one encounter where I felt something with a deep voice entered me, without permission as if it knew me. It shifted as it wiggled it’s way through my body. Do you think it’s a coincidence that the movies depict it that way? No. I was sleeping but was well aware of what was happening. Some time back I found that the way to stop the attacks was to say Jesus. And I did that every time.

Now what I’m about to share I’ve shared with friends and it is at this point in the story that I always cry uncontrollably. During one attack, I cried out for Jesus and something deep within spoke to me and said “this is the last time you will get to call on Jesus” This was surely real.

Why were these evil spirits after me so badly?  Why did I have so many experiences with people whose full and only purpose was to destroy me? I began to realise my worth and value. It was sadly through all of this I had to learn that I have a divine purpose that is beyond my imagination. I decided that I would learn more of God. My life has been transformed since. I can share many stories that defy the mere brushed off answer of ‘coincidence’. Nothing has impacted my life more than my relationship with God.

I am growing in my faith and my wee little faith would make me look crazy to the non-spiritually connected person. I’ve asked God to take over cause I was doing ‘bare foolishness’. God has moved mountains for me and many would admire my life now but all my blessings have been blessings from God.

I also hope to put a final end to all the God is real vs. God is not real debates. My decision to seek after God was based on faith.

It hit me like a lightbulbed aha moment. Duh! I will only know by faith! As if I never heard of it before. I wanted to scream it out loud like a patented discovery.

I look back on the almost futile debates I had with friends about God. They spoke through the lens of faith and I didn’t. There is little point to argue over something where knowledge requires belief. Simple. And I know you’re thinking ‘no fair’ but in order to be part of the Kingdom it is all about faith. I’m not saying a discussion can’t be a blessing but that’s secondhand faith. I fed off friends’ words until I had to step out on my own. I listened to so many sermons until I had to face the awkward moment of silence with God.

I started my relationship with a “Hi God, I don’t know what to say but… hi”

I would just have conversations and still do. If you see me ‘pray’ you would look around the room for someone.

Many questions I’ve had became answered in seconds. My wrong beliefs were knocked down swiftly. I felt fooled and bamboozled all my life. “You mean one verse put to end a 10 year belief?” A veil had been lifted. When I read Bible verses I’m often shocked. This was here all along? No way! Where was I?

I listen to friends that are non-believers or questioners make statements that are heartbreaking. I think, is that the reason why you shut out God? I’ve had similar quandaries and on my journey I will share with you the truths I have discovered.

I’m not religious, I’m faithful. A lot of reasons why people steer away from God is due to religion and religious people. I hope to share specific stories that will help you with your journey. We are on a spiritual journey even if you don’t believe it.

I am still growing and sometimes I feel I should be further. I remember I must be patient and I in fact have come a long way and praise God for where he has taken me and where, through the spirit, I know He will take me.

Let’s have an open discussion.  Ask me any question and where I don’t have an answer I’ll say that truthfully while asking God for the answer. What’s your testimony?