Do you hold back sharing your stories and accomplishments because you think others will view you as a show off? How about an egotistical, arrogant, self-centered and narcissistic person? Apparently, you’re not alone if you have this dilemma. I’ve noticed this hesitant and timid approach to stating kudos won amongst my friends.
I’ve also noticed this primarily with women.
We may get a promotion, or be in an interview and we are still bashful of our accomplishments even to our detriment. I have friends who have wicked businesses making a killing, are representing their Universities and countries worldwide and are opening doors for others but you’ll never know of it. You’ll never get the chance to be inspired because these women don’t want to sound like they’re “bragging”.
Here’s the thing: you don’t have to share anything but some of us wouldn’t mind and in fact want to share these stories but simply are afraid of the arrogant related labels.
To preempt any arrogant labels, we use disclaimers, lots of them: “No to boast but I’ve…not like it’s a big deal but…” We give credit to others, use self-deprecating humour and downplay our wins. We are afraid of the spotlight or erroneously placing ourselves in high admiration because we’re not perfect and once we (inevitably) make a mistake, the critics will laugh even harder because they think that you are such a show off to begin with. So we ensure not to say to much awesomeness lest we get thrown down from on high.
Yes, I have been reading your minds 🙂
I had to give a friend a loving tongue lashing for not telling the world (even me!), that her Government featured her on billboards as an inspiring young person during their Independence celebrations. She was dragged (thankfully) by another friend to share it on social media and I’m sure this brought hope and ideas to others.
It’s too much energy and burden for people to worry about these things. We’ve worked hard enough for those achievements and then we have to work again wondering how to word something just to avoid sounding like a self centered douche.
How to fix this? There is no perfect answer and I’m hoping other voices can chime in.
Confession: Even though I’ve been sharing some parts of my life, I too am guilty of this worry! I’ve made progress but the heart beats a little faster before I click “post” or “publish”. But I do it nonetheless and here’s why:
Shine your light for others to shine theirs
I allowed my heart to scold me and tell me I have a big ego because I think the achievements are all about me. I’m happy about them but I’ve long taken on a different meaning of my successes. When I share stories, or shine my light as Marianne Williamson puts it, I help others turn on their light bulbs 🙂 blink! Individuals, especially children, can see where I’ve been and say to themselves “dammit, if she can do it, I know I can.” You also help others see what opportunities exist by stating you won that scholarship. Since doing the C2J/Barbados Today interview (pg. 14), young people have reached out to learn more about the activities I’ve been involved in. (Even this interview I initially said no to, months later I finally agreed). Point is, you can inspire others and mentor directly or from a distance. Think for a minute on when someone has thanked you for sharing your story.
It’s no big deal
What meaning have you been personally placing on your achievements? Maybe the imaginary public pressure from the breakfast meeting you had with that millionaire businesswoman caused you to think of it too highly. As a result, you’ve gone ahead and created a heavy meaning that crushed your own desire to share. If it was a family breakfast you shared, you breathe easier thinking that people will only say, “aww, how sweet” rather than “he’s so full of himself”. But you viewed the meeting differently because- omg, omg! Change the meaning or wowness you give to your accomplishments and you may not be so afraid of sharing.
It’s just a fact
Think of your successes simply as the truth. You can state your achievements without adding any ‘colour’ to it. Simply put, you attained a first class honours or you were the badminton champion for your state or region.
Opportunities
And let’s not be shy. Sharing our stories and accomplishments can open doors for us all. I can hear a friend chiming in to say “oh please, get over yourself” because we pretend to be bashful about the good that might come by stating what we’ve accomplished.
Has the world beat us down to the bone so badly on a guilt trip that we’ve taken on an overly meek, withdrawn and invisible life? Please do not let insecure people silence you.
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Afraid of own Medicine?
Are you guilty of what you’re afraid of? Have you been throwing rocks and sticks at those who’ve spoken about their successes? Sometimes we are afraid because we know how we can be to others. I.E, the only reason we know of the criticism is because we’ve dished it out before. Recently, I asked a colleague if I can tell others about an achievement of hers. She responded by saying that she’s not into the spotlight thing and don’t crave attention like other people. I won’t know whether her assessment was genuine and objective or if she simply think any sharing is self-fulfilling. I’ve heard such a response from lots of other people, some of them who quite frankly judge others as self promoting when they do share.
Maybe I am a show off
I certainly think we can have introspection; am I sharing this only to get attention? Do I only talk about myself or business? Do I promote and celebrate others? Only you can answer those questions. This ego v self-esteem talk by Eckhart Tolle may help.
Moving Forward
The labeling may happen but it’s not as much as we think. It’s possible that we’re creating imaginary prisons when no one really seems to be bothered. Also, why do we fear criticism, so much, over someone messaging or calling to say ‘thanks for sharing your story, it really helped me to get clarity on my situation’? Please allow the good to outweigh the bad.
Even if there is criticism, accept it as it comes and find support from family and like minds. Your achievements may mean that you’re in a class of people that shake things up, form alliances with those people. Remember the tips above while you let your light shine.
And now, a reminder from Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
How have you or others dealt with this?
This was really good. I found it at the right time. Thank you.
Hi Jessica, I’m happy to hear it was a timely message 🙂 My pleasure, Cheers!